I think I am going to try this color for once. Black is so blah. Well I have been in Cookeville for about 3 days. And already I feel like I have come so far. And I'll tell you something right now: Never again will I leave. Unless Jason comes with me.  I am perfectly content. Happier than I ever thought I could be. I have seen the changes in Jason and I will admit, I was very impressed.  Jason and I are working on rebuilding things back to normal. I have a happy feeling inside that in the face of adversity and trouble, Jason and I will overcome it. Still looking for a job. I have an interview with Bath and Body Works, I picked up an application yesterday and turned it back in today. And before I knew it, when Jason and I returned from lunch at Wooly Bully's with Herbert and Helen, one of the managers from Bath and Body Works had left a message on the answering machine, asking me to call her back to schedule an interview time. I was so thrilled!! It meant a lot to me that they are showing interest in me. So I called back and I couldnt get her but she called me back, and the first thing she said was thank you for following up on this, and I said "of course". I look it as a sign that things are going to be just fine. Well, I was on facebook tonight. Curiosity got to me and I found that an old acquaintance from Gibbons had sent me a friend request. Turns out he just joined facebook a few days ago. His name is Robert Nichols. We were not really in the same group of friends but I saw him around the halls all the time. I was stunned that he remembered me. Anyway, I read too, that Liana went from being in a relationship to being single. I havent talked to her in a long time but I just wonder what went wrong with Tom. You know, when people are not happy, especially friends or family, it saddens me and i wish Liana all the best.  On the topic of dad, which will be the first and last time I ever mention him again, he saddens me the most. He said that if I returned to Cookeville I was dead to him. Which, the first time I heard him say that, it deeply puzzled and devastated me. But I had to do what I had to do. Which is return home. Cookeville is my home. And if he and Suzanne dont accept that then I most definitely dont need them, either of them, in my life. And I have made that decision. And I am standing firm in that decision. I know its my dad, but he is acting very selfish and cruel. I would very much like him to be a part of my life but he chooses not to, so I have to stay away. I dont expect a change of heart from him, not ever. Because you know, changing of heart is just so not his style. Never has been and never will be. He talks about Jason never changing, but he is the one that will never change. And by saying that, I mean a change of heart is simply not what he does. He is so stubborn and refuses to admit hes wrong. But you know, thats ok. As long as I have Jason I dont need him or Suzanne. And thats the truth. I am choosing to cut him from my life completely, based on his selfishness and cruelty. He doesnt find it in his heart to love me unconditionally, and that saddens me. Because when he needs a daughter I wont be there. He was very successful in pushing me away. And he claims its because he wants to save himself from anymore heartache, but thats the most ludicrous excuse I have ever heard. Thats just him being, like I said, selfish and cruel. Thats the only two words I can think of to describe it. As long as I didnt go against his wishes he would love me. But I am my own person, own woman, I do what I want, and I certainly dont need dads blessing or permission for anything. He makes me sick he really does. Anyway, a little bit longer and Jason will be home. I am so excited to be starting a new life with him in our new home.  Jason if you read this entry, just know that I love you I love you I love you so passionately, so wholeheartedly. You are my world, my heart, and my soul my precious love.

 Hey been a while since i updated. Sorry about that. My dad is coming out here in a few days to visit me. I am really really excited about that.  Its been a long time coming because i havent seen him for two years. Seems like they have been long years. I managed to switch my shifts for tuesday so that dad, suzanne, jason and i can go out to dinner. I think we will go to Fazolis. I really like their all you can eat breadsticks. Man those are some good shit im telling you.  I think while he is here i think im going to share some stories with him about mom. Maybe he will empathize with what im going through. This is not easy. By  this i am talking about my tumultuous relationship with my so called mother. I dont even want to start naming all the wrongs shes done to me. I think more than anything it just makes me angry and if i had the choice i would go off on her but i figure keep it civil for now. Hell shell get whats coming to her. I just dont understand. I dont understand what i did so wrong. How could a mother do that to her own flesh and blood is what i want to know. And again i am not going to start naming the wrongs. Just know that she has done many wrongs by me and i am going to tell you guys that its not right. The way she has treated me ever since she met daren has been just plain wrong. And hell i like daren dont get me wrong. Darens her boyfriend if your wondering. She chose him over me, at least thats what it feels like. I thought i was more important to her than that. Obviously not. Now i have nothing against daren but if it werent him it would have been another guy. If it hadnt been him it would have been another guy that she ended up choosing over her own fucking flesh and blood. And that knowledge alone has made me lose respect for her as a mother. I thought once that we were friends mom and i, i thought that we could talk about anything. Guess i was wrong.  And on the phone tonight i told her that if she came out here, i would prefer her to come by herself. I didnt say i didnt want daren to come and she says i thought you liked daren, and i said i do but there are things that we need to talk about that dont involve daren. Well maybe indirectly they do, but i just wanna confront her about her mistakes once and for all- and i want to do it one on one, without jason or daren present. And i dont think she wants to come alone honestly because i think shes scared that i will yell at her and judge her for all her mistakes. Yes she knows deep down inside what she did to me, she just doesnt want to take responsibility for her actions.  I just want her to know how i  feel about her behavior. That i think its been inexcusable and that ive lost respect for her as my mother. Cause i have. Totally. There is nothing that anyone can say that can make me change my feelings. Cause i feel so adamantly about this, and when i feel this way i am not swayed. I'll probably always feel this way. You know there were times i felt like she had abandoned me, and she did, and there were times i cried at night. I would ask myself why what did i do, and then it hit me: it wasnt me, it was the plain and simple fact that she didnt love or respect me enough to be a real mother to me. And dont get me wrong when i was younger she was a great mother. No disappearing acts then, no leaving me by myself at nights. But then if she did that then dad would have ripped into her. God if he only knew. If my dad only knew..... and hes gonna know. Imma make sure of that. And he can do whatever he wants to with the knowledge of my mother being the sorry assed mother she is. I dont hate her, but i am just so angry... i wish to god i could hate her. And ill say it again. I wish to god i could hate her. I just dont have it in myself to hate anyone.